[ Just very plainly confessing, maybe this entire post was born out of a need to find out the reason why I can't talk to so many people. There needs to a be a reason behind everything - but whether this is true or not.. we'll see. Hopefully they're not made up for the sake of making myself feel better. I do not know. Right now, I'm still kind of.. disillusioned, I guess. ]

At other times there's nothing I want to tell them about.

So what if they know what I'm doing at the moment? I want them to know what I'm thinking at that moment, and what they're thinking at that moment - but you can only say these to people who know you.

How many people actually know you?

Give them a chance, I tell myself countless times. So I try to ask about their lives, realise there's nothing going on in mine. I try to go deeper, but it becomes awkward. All friendships start this way, I tell myself. But there really is NOTHING to talk about when we don't go through things together. Sharing, catching up is different from talking.

You view things through the other person's lens when you hear them share, all you can do is try to view it from that lens as well - when the best part is to look at the same thing via both our lenses and share afterwards.

Unless you know the person enough, know how her lens looks like - you can tell her if it is tainted blue, tainted red with anger. Or try to taint yours in the same manner to understand her. To still see that familiar person even though everything around you both has changed.

Catching up is when she hands you her camera, shows her all the pictures she has taken (the past few months), and you go "I see, so this is what you have been up to".

Talking feels like doing the same, but analysing how it was taken, why it was taken, with what lens it was taken with. Sharing your thoughts about it. Or going to the same place to take that photo, exchanging lenses, wonder why the photos appear differently on our different bodies even though the lens is the same. Or maybe they turn out to be the same. Intellectual exchanges, excitement when s/he points out something you do not know, discovering things together.

-

I haven't been spending enough time with them enough.

I'm tired of making new friends, as trapped in my own world as I may be right now. I want to go through whatever everybody is going through right now, can't help but notice the differences between us and the lack of experiences we have together. Come next year they'll all be too busy for me.

Please, focus on your goal. Survive if you can't live.